Goodbye Memories....

My role model Oedipus..these fingers
will soon be in use... Changing

positions in my bed, looking for the cold patches

 on this bed that
seems to shrink when I'm scared,

that seems to

 feel hotter when I'm
scared, placing my hand under my pillow.. Ha.
. That heats up too...

I cannot escape this nightmare.. When I'm awake I see him, when I

think his there too, when I eat his in
between my sandwich, even
there when my heart beats, worst of all his in
my dreams. How do you

dismiss that? How can I erase his face from my life.. I can't.. Or

won't I.. The only way would be to eradicate
my eyes from my head...

Goodbye his face, goodbye that smile.. Goodbye my love ...ive removed what got us here..

Like A Weak Bladder..

Same reason to wake up everyday,

my weak bladder, sitting on that  
toilet seat almost in pain because it just
won't come out, I'm getting   
frustrated because it just won't
get out. I've tried everything.. It
 fooled me into thinking I really needed
to go but now it just won't   
drop.. Got myself rolling the tissue roll
round my fist like I'm ready 
 to fight, it still won't come out.
Made the water drip thinking that  
would help me, that didn't change a thing.
Now I've left the seat,  
finally given up. I'm back on
 my bed,
it's happening again... I can  
feel it I'm ready.. Ok, I'm ready.. It's.. It's..
Happeniiiinnggg...   Gone. Flush.
 His out of my life now,
his love in me was like a painful   bladder, now I've flushed him...  

Am I Real....Who Am I ?

I like to imagine that I wake up every morning

even though I never
sleep because my mind is too occupied,
that when I eat I actually
swallow, and not subconsciously
go into the bathroom and put my
fingers in my mouth forming a gun symbol
directed into my throat so
that I nudge myself so hard and spew every
last thing I thought I ate
and more. That I actually blink
and not let flies land on my eye and
reproduce a whole new breed, that I leave my
house and see people
outside and it's not just me imagining
this or having a conversation
in my mind and that I'm actually rationally
the only person in this
world. That everything I feel or the memories
I have were not invented
by me. Most of all that I never imagined being
loved and that love
doesn't even exist, it's a trick my mind plays
to get humor out of my
reactions.... Am I real??

Pain On My Face..

The pain on my face... So unexplainable,
so full of hate. I want to
grab a knife and slice my face off
so I don't have to see anymore of
this. I want to walk into a knife
by accident and paint it read with
the last feeling inside me. I want to put
a grenade in my heart and
let it explode over and over again,
I've been forced into this state,
I've literally been a victim to my hearts homicide...
This circle
won't stop.. The pain continues to be shown to me.
Images. Words!
Images! Words!
Why can't he stop this.
But then again we might aswell
call my heart the moon and
call him Eugene Cerman as his the last man
that was in my heart... But I guess this time EUgene assailed my
moon :-(

Should I let Go ?

As I lay on my back and wondered to myself.
 What am I meant to do at
this moment? I can fix everything that ever went wrong.
 But I'm afraid
to speak out or continue attempting to fight
 a battle I've already
lost. Someone else has already won him from me.
Any effort made now
would be like trying to reach the end of the world.
 The very message
that he sends me anytime from now could change it all.
 But with me.. I
hve a lot to do for him to change anything for me.
 So my deepest fear
now is losing him forever.
 So must I love and leave him or must I love
and show him....
For it's so often the hardest thing watching him
forget me so easily whilst I suffer
 in a corner full of memories.

What do I do??

Fleshly, Carnal, Sexy...LATE!!!.....

How art burneth my heart….
I sit here on my bed wondering why I deserve all the pain in the world inflicted on me all at once…
I just wanted to express how I felt but you couldn’t hear me because you only heard what you wanted to, I thought I would have a chance to prove to you how I feel, I was ready to announce…
My emotions were ready, my heart was smiling.. When our bodies were together I knew a secret language was articulated to communicate the love that was burning inside us, intoxicating us with desire….
You placed your hand on mine and I felt like we had united, everything was right as we kissed each other gently, my heart was thumping, my veins rushing, I had to respire….
I had never felt love like the love that you gave me.. My heart detached itself from my body and entered your world, as you turned me over I knew things would never be the same again, I could feel the sweat drippin down your chest… I was like baby don’t stop….
And you were like no I wont, imma take you to the top….
I been thinking about you everyday since we last spoke and It hurts that someone else is getting your attention, causin me depression, im so broken you should see my expression…

My Heart And I Don't Know You

Are you avoiding me....?? Are you?? Are you avoiding me... My heart is asking you a question !!! Why am I in a corner?? Why am I all alone. Where am I. I'm not familiar with this place??it's cold in here and there's a massive hole that's amalgamated with us. Why has love been taken away from us?? When you sleep at night does it not bother you at all? Do you have a hole?? Why is there a hole in me?? The very veins on my hand are unaware of this new venue you have forced upon us!!!!!! Thump thump thump thump..... I can see you there, you're coming back!!! Should I clean up, I'll get ready for you... Ok we are ready. Ah I knew you hadn't forgotten us.it's no longer cold in here..... I feel so safe.... No!!! Wait it's different. You're different. This isn't real is it?? You're not the same person you were anymore. Ur not even who I thought u were,.... Who are you??? Why have you done this.

Leave me!!!

How Can Something So Bad Feel So Good...

That's how it all starts... It all Starts with that one thing you say to spark a conversation which leads to something that only you could ever dream about experiencing. Have you ever loved someone so much that when you're with them your eyes won't leave the sight of them because you're scared if you blink you'll miss that one second of looking at heaven on earth, have you ever kissed him and closed your eyes so tightly because that way you feel like it's just you and him and that's all you need, that wen you're not thinking about him, you're thinking of thinking about him, and when he smiles it's like you've been vaccinated from ever feeling upset or sick again. He makes you laugh so much that even when his not funny you still laugh because he says he loves your laugh . Well have you ever loved someone you couldn't have and that everything I've just said,he shares it with someone else too..... Guess we can't always have what we want :-(

WHEN??!!!!....

It's nearly the end I can feel it. It's almost the end I can breath it.. When it's finally over will I be able to take it?? When I've finally let go.. When I stop expressing myself? When I can no longer have anything to write about? When.. When.. When !!! Ha.. That seems to be a continous word in my vocabulary... When will he notice me? When will he care? When will he love me the same way I love him? I'll be here When he decides to?? Well no! When will he stop these mind games!!!

When will he realise that his selfish ways have reached my heart to a final conclusion!! The very heart beat in my heart is now impulsively reversing itself and causing me a headache, not the headache you know though.. Haha no!! This is the new one, the non heard of one , it's a literal feeling of him sitting in my mind refusing to leave and hurting me in there!! When will he get out?? When will this stop?? You know what... He won't stop he won't change. All left to say is.... When he reads this.. I'll be gone.. =|

He Doesn't Love You,...Or Does He?

I've tried to stay true to my feelings, so here's the truth no hard feelings....

As the sun rises and sets, days go by like the road looks when you watch it behind you, sitting in the backseat of your mothers car. Everything you see on that road stays behind, even the bad speed humps and port holes that may cause you to lose your life. But memories of it continue to live on with your everyday life.

Have you ever cared so much about someone that your every thought depends on what their doing and how their feeling, you almost wish you had been born into this world as them. As you'll often find that you want to see, be and breath them. That when you lay in your bed at night you almost think you are sleeping because you've been awake for so long, you no longer know the difference between being awake and sleeping. When that person calls you or communicates with you, ur heart jerks.. Because the very thought that he/she are taking the time to use the breath inside of them to form words to speak to u makes you scared and happy at the same time.

Certain people belive that the definition of love is whatever definition they conclude to due to their own experience, I agree. There's no definition of true love. Because the way you love and show someone how you feel in many ways will not always suite others view of love. Which is why you should not depress yourself as it's possibly that the person you love, is loving you with everything they have.......


Oh who are we kidding ?? Excuses!! If you've written or read this up to now agreeing... His not worth it!! ;-(

He does NOT love you....

Note From My Heart...

It all begins with the small particles of feelings when your heart beats so fast that you feel like you want to cry and laugh at one time but then you realise you want to smile because if you cry you’ll only get a headache. The feeling of letting go of the person that you really care about Is like tearing your leg off and letting it bleed without doing anything about it, not covering it up. I will always wonder why I feel the way I do, so insecure about love and so insecure about relationships. You would often think I’m crazy because I care so much about someone I actually come to the point I cant separate myself from them, I want to be with them constantly, share every moment together, hold them, speak words to each other that only we understand, the language of love that can only be decoded by the connection of eyes meeting and nothing else spoken by the asset we call lips. Lips speak, we use it for other things too but for me those lips are the key to something special you share between you and the one you love. And when those lips combine this is a sign language to expressing the love inside me. The love inside me is fighting to get out and when I let it come out I share it, but always looking forward to disappointment as it is stolen from me, left with no love to my name. just a hole in my heart, as the other person leaves with both loves in his pocket. I lay on the ground weeping, having this burning desire to put my hand inside my torso and search for the other piece, the one that I have kept safe for only He who stole the other half has not returned it to me. I reconvene another He and ever so kind is He. He takes it and offers to donate half of his to make a full one with mine. He passes it to me. I hold it in my hand for he trusts me. I put inside me to keep it safe.. Whilst I’m asleep he meets with a She who helps him steal the heart we made… and thats how I decease… (Killed the love we shared)

My Non-Existing Existence

Its crazy because my deepest thoughts come to me when I am alone and have slow music playing. Its that thunder outside.. That rain pouring down my window, the wind whispering its way around me. Uncoded languages that probably explain the purpose of my existence. I have often found myself weeping as I every so often feel like noone will ever understand me, noone will ever try. Its almost like a feeling you get when you are in a room full of people but yet, you feel so alone. Screaming so loud but noone can hear you. Dying and noone noticing. The only memory of you remaining to be the girl that was there, but was I truly there to begin with, or was I a figure of the imagination, created by bored people in a conversation about a mad girl who writes poems about her non existing existence.. I’ll let you think…